on the bart...

sipping starbucks, plugged into my ipod, looking out the window, except vainly staring at my own reflection... somehow i feel most at peace and most sincerely open with my own thoughts and desires. my emotions are completely accessible except i'm not "emotional." I come face to face with what I am thinking and feeling.

sometimes it's about frivolous that happened during the day... sometimes about that someone, real or drafted... sometimes about the korean drama that I'm thinking about...I pray or think about God... I wonder if he's eavesdropping into my thoughts and knowing that He is, tease him for being such an all-knowing jerk.

but on most days that I take to bart, it's either to/fro from my acting class... i sit there, completely arrested with conviction that I am an :artist: a performer : someone that is aware of all their feelings, present and hidden, some that are so finely tuned, that often they present the greatest challenge of sometimes having to step above the myriad of self-imploded emotional mess. and of course, the driving factor in identifying, creating, and presenting a character so genuine and sincere that they are exactly that: real.

the marriage between thought and awareness usually results in a battle between stressful fear and blind yearning.

yesterday, i felt utopia. i really did. because i relived that ear-deafening roar that I recognized as passion.

i suck at acting. i'm ways ways behind, probably equal to that of Soap actors. and i don't think i'll ever get, realistically speaking, a lead role opposite natalie portman, scarlett johansson and eric bana. in terms of looks, i fall somewhere between Kim Yun Jin and Sandra oh. except they both seem to have pretty bangin bodies that I don't have. plus I still have no nose or boobs. (you know, this is why i find my vanity so misplaced! or is that something the world already knows? lol). this part = stressful fear.

but, it is something else to have a dream. to have every part of your body saying THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT. FUCK MONEY, JUST MARRY RICH (hahahaha). YOU JUST WANT TO BE ON THE SET, HAVING MAKEUP PEOPLE ON YOU IN BETWEEN TAKES, HAVING YOUR OWN NAME ON A CANVAS FOLD-UP CHAIR, AND GETTING TO SAY HELLO EVERY MORNING TO SOME OF THE DORKIEST FAMOUS PEOPLE EVER. I. WANT. TO. LIVE = I. WANT. TO. ACT.

this of course...makes me wonder why i'm not trying harder to get a gym membership.


scale of 1 - 10 in mentally ready to move to LA? 7.5. About a handful more rides on the Bart and I'm there!!!!!