don't...

take sanity for granted. EVER. EVERRRR.

*deep breath*.

and in all honesty. today's society, today's CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY, fails MORE THAN EVER, to pick up on little things, sometimes REALLY BIGS THINGS, that betray each other's actual emotional and spiritual beings. even when we're TRYING to look, we fail to see all the details; but the sad thing is, we rarely try hard enough.

it's a little more heartbreaking though, when you realize too late, that you weren't looking hard enough, even if you thought you were, at the person right in front of you.

*deeeeeeep breath*

it's not about me. but i hurt. i'm so sorry. and i pray for THEM.

***

a lot of stuff has been going on these past couple of weeks. it's been really strange and i wish i could see it all from God's perspective so i can see what all these subtly big changes actually mean.

vocationally, all of a sudden, i'm working 20 hours a week. from 4 to 20 is quite a change. monetarily, that's WONDERFUL NEWS! it makes me wonder, WTH was i doing for hte past 8 months?!!!! but i don't EVER regret the idyllic moments of being a lazy ass. :)

physically, i see slow changes thanks to my Iranian ex-model, superstar trainer, who continually tells me "honest to God, you should quit acting and become a body builder!" just need to remind myself that i'll never lose my child bearing hips and thighs, and yet, i'll have a hell of a lot more curve than most asian girls! HERRUMPH!

emotionally, i'm a little ... i guess lonely? it's not that i don't have company available at the speed dial of my cell... but i miss having a steady and constant group of girl friends. i've always been better with one on ones, but i miss having that circle. actually, i've had some GREAT private moments these days with some very dear old friends... maybe it's just that my social (4 plus) gauge has reached it's end is all. 2 weeks i tell you. 2 weeks and i go crazy. there's some other shit that affects me of course, but i dont' want to go into all that here. ask me some other time and i probably wont' tell you about it :).

frivolously... so i blew off a guy COMPLETELY for the first time in my life. i don't say this to brag or what not... (honestly, i'm taken aback by the flood more than anything else... and quite puzzled.) but where i thought i'd be like a KNIFE, just slicing away, cutting off that bond permanently... i felt like shit and generally like a really bad person. the thing is, he texts me today wishing me good luck, saying that i don't have to reply. and the fact that he's being so nice, makes me want to sorta slap myself in the face for being such a bitch. the positive thing is... I AM NOT MEANT TO BE A PLAYER! i was always afraid, that a part of me was all about that... BUT I AM NOT! I AM DECENT! except this one time. :(. sorry.

professionally, i am so fucking ready to act with meryl streep. BRING. IT. ON.


and finally,

the overall lesson that i learned today... was that this place is filled with people who are dealing with their own battles and demons. that much was obvious to me before. but not as quite real as they became when those of the people in my life, became exposed. you see, as close as we are to our friends, our BEST friends, we tend to miss the critical signs that signal distress. one may argue that that is because of the close proximity that we find ourselves in to the people in our lives... but often, it is because we ignore the clues because we're too busy dealing with our own struggles.

that's why i've always prided on the fact that i was a good listener and that a lot of my friends came to me for a comforting word...it meant that people got the vibe that i cared... that somehow, i came off as a person who WOULDN'T judge, but accept...a source of ego, a source of pride...but in absolute honesty, without any hint of pompousity (?), i DO believe that those previous statements are actually a part of who i am and long to be.

but i learned today, that being leaned on constantly, and never leaning upon anybody, could be so utterly toxic. i still want to be that person to turn to, but i need to learn how to trust and turn to others as well. it's something that goes against my very nature, but whereas strength is the obvious example, faith, in those around us, in God, in the fact that we're loved...and that people CARE... is an even more surer path towards self-preservation.

thoughts. provoked. hm.