It's been too long...

"since there's been any some sort of progress"
a play in 3 acts, no intermission.

prologue: allow me, at least this one blog post, to bitch my head off about my current state of heart and mind.

act I: scams and poverty.

i'm sick of being poor and jobless... tired of searching for jobs that I don't even want... discouraged by not hearing back from anything... and scared of what next week will not bring. i am asking my parents for emergency transfers... utilizing my best friends as emergency funds... i have never been one to shy away from asking favors...but this potential panhandling cloud is looming awfully near.

I nearly fell for a scam. I wasted 48 hours of my life, excited and thrilled, actually thinking I might be going somewhere, only to realize that I've been played... and that I'm actually desperate enough and NAIVE enough to think that it would have been... THAT easy. I feel like a sucker for ever thinking so blindly and trustingly of my own self-worth... I feel cheated of my time and emotions... and more than anything else... I am utterly disappointed that my hopes were just dillusions afterall.

act II: drama

i'm exhausted by human interaction these days. everything from miscommunication and snap judgements to seemingly lack of interest or care. a magnet for drama? i've had more than 3 years worth of shit worth 2 cents in the past month and a half... being a tireless apologetic...the constant surveying of my own character... questioning my own actions and second-guessing my natural instincts... to be refined by God is one thing... to be molded by what people (who don't know me) think is another. i'm just about at my wit's end here to all this worthless crap that doesn't and won't matter in the end. I'm not saying that I'm not responsible or that it's not my fault... I'm just saying that... what people don't realize is, beneath my smile, my efforts to understand, to try to see it from the other view (which i realize is not always a mutual act), to sincerely apologize, try again... It hurts. it HURTS. Maybe if i stopped smiling and stopped saying sorry, people would actually realize that I HURT just as much as they think they do.

I'm not a robot. I am not always happy. I am susceptible to mistakes and I am sensitive to pain. I cry just as easily as I laugh... and I also am a great actor.

Act III: anywhere but here... only to....nowhere?

I still want to become an actor. I just need some guidance and tools to get there. I still want to LOVE and be loved. I just need to be shown that I've got friends on my side too. I am still going to apply to millions of jobs I don't give a fuck about, because I know that I have to in order to survive. and I will not hesitate to ask to borrow funds from my best friends because I know that that kind of pride has no place in the friendships that I have fostered thus far.

I know that I will be strong enough to survive. I know that eventually, I will look back at this time and smile sheepishly. I know that no matter what, the sound of my laughter is still louder than my sobs of pain. The despair that I feel now is the echo of how much space God, Himself, will fill up, inside of me. God's perspective of my life and my place in this world is far greater than anything i can see from right here, right now. I know it. That's why I keep on going. Tomorrow, the day after, and the day after that.

Even if it hurts like hell. Even if I feel alone and am on the verge of getting kicked out. Even if I can't remember why I am here...Even if I don't think I can endure any more of it...

Even if... Because it is .HIS WILL. not mine. never mine. His.

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Epilogue: on a scale of A - F... F+. sigh*, just keep swimming, just keep swimming...