T-minus 7 days

I haven't been keeping up on this because I can never seem to do any of my experiences justice with my words.

the past 4 weeks (has it really been 4?) have been ... see? i can't seem to find the word to describe it.

Amazing seems to ordinary...and cliche. Perfect seems too over the top and superficial... interesting is just completely boring...

basically, Korea has been what I may not have exactly expected, potentially much more incredible than what I hoped for, and in ways, not.

When I left for Motherland, it was as if I had to or DIE from a nervous breakdown. Approaching my one year anniversary in LA, I was NOT in a good place... I was burnt out at work, coming out of a relationships of sorts, fighting loneliness on the weekends, and BROKE, having just dropped my entire savings into my headshots (which I was VERY happy with, just very unsure of where they would take me). STRESS.

I couldn't wait to get out, just be free of all sorts of pits of anxiety that surrounded my life. Running away from my problems, far far far away... Oh, the sisters of the Abbey in the "Sound of Music" would never approve.

I got here, was immediately surrounded by aunt, uncle, and cousin (who is only a year younger and has been my constant playmate --> a completely UNEXPECTED gift!), was treated out to dinner practically every night... and was even given ALLOWANCE! All the bright, flashy, neon signs... the incredible munchies sold by the 209384230482320842 food vendors on every street corner... the cooperative efforts of everyone to take pictures WILLINGLY... the hilariously entertaining tv commercials interspersed through my favorite korean variety shows...people actually LOVING the latest kpop music in every single clothes stall in the underground shopping terminals... THE FOOD COURT AT MALLS, OMG OMG, THE FOOD COURT AT MALLS!.... BEER SOJU MAHTGUHLI, ALCOHOL = CHEAP AND EVERYWHERE TILL LATE...

i can go on and on about the reasons why i'm blinded by a sudden yearning to stay here... to leave behind whatever crap I have left behind, to just lose myself in this place that never seems to let up for one second... to forget the work and effort it takes to fulfill whatever hoopla dream and just embrace the things that I can do immediately... teach english, earn money to spend on things that I will actually ENJOY doing... one year, just ONE year... would that be too bad?

Hadn't I been limiting myself, working myself to the bone, an emotional train wreck fighting with self-doubts (due to SO MANY THINGS)? Maybe IT WASN'T supposed to be this hard; afterall, it'd only been one year and I was already faltering...it was only suppposed to get harder from here, no? So... why not just give myself some time to think things through? to experience other things in life besides the same old 24/7 that I put myself through to seemingly get nowhere? Maybe... JUST MAYBE... I'm not supposed to become an actress? Maybe there's something else that is better suited for me? Something that I'd just closed myself off from because I was just too stubborn to give up my own aspirations?

As the weeks, jam-packed with trips to Hongdae, Insadong, Mokdong, Myeoungdong, Gangnam, Busan, Jejudo, etc etc etc... I got more and more anxious, knowing that I was either having to go back to the "hellish" restaurant/struggling actress life in sin city (har har), or make a decision to just... screw it... do what I felt like doing AT THIS VERY MOMENT...just LIVE it. Spontaneously, having faith that in the end, I'll end up where I belong anyway.

Then I went to Busan. and Jejudo. Where there are lots of oceans and tons of places to just sit and ponder, to bask in whatever nature had to give, without any man-made distractions. and I realized...

Until I can go back to Busan for it's spectacular film festival without feeling a pang of desire of being a part of it... until I can go back to Jeju without wishing somehow that this could be a location shoot for some film that I'm in... until I can visit seoul sometime without hoping that Soh Ji Sup (my future hubby) would come up to me and tell me how much he loved my work (OR wishing that I was on the label of some brand of soju)... until I can come back to Korea without telling my uncles and aunts and cousins and nephews that "hey, life is REALLY hard, but at least I'm trying to make something grand out of it! Something that I really really really want and am willing to push through for!" ... until then... I can't quit. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I can't quit.

So, 7 days from now, I will hop back on that plane... I will fly into the city of golden gates... to return home for some brief only child treatment for culture shock preventative care...to head back to the life that I was so afraid to rejoin...

anxious? yes. scared? not so much anymore.

Yes, Korea has been absolutely amazing, perfect, interesting, all and beyond what I've expected it to be. :)