good friday.

because of all the exciting breakthroughs I've had with Jesus... I thought that passion week was going to be all firey and passion-y.

wrong. Dry week. One of the worst. It was like I had reverted back to the way things had been. that of course started my vicious guilt cycle... which of course led to a withdrawn, distant relationship with God.

I got drunk. went to work hungover. was a total debbie downer at cell... andddd just thought about praying.

This guilt thing. definitely calls for inner-healing. sigh*. when I'm ready.

anyway.

today was Good Friday... and it started off like any ordinary day I had off work: idly. I didn't really expect anything grand spiritually to happen... not after the disappointing week I had... and yet, I have to admit, I did hope God would speak to me.

After spending the day at Huntington beach with a couple of great girls... it was finally time to face the music... would I actually be able to experience God's grace tonight? Would I be able to apply the CROSS for the first time in YEARS??? Would I be moved by God's sacrifice? His greatest? Was I indeed changed from the other years where I stood with a hardened heart?

The answers all seemed to point to a heavy-thudded "NO." It was exactly the same as hte previous years... I was distracted by a whole array of thoughts. from random dramas... to speculation about others... to envy... to BLAH BLAH BLAH... ridiculous. I couldn't sit still for longer than 30 seconds before my mind raced to another random capricious idea. until finally... it was time for communion.

and click. I knew that through God's grace, I had grown. As I sat there, my mind riddled with trivia... I knew what I had to do. I had to just offer the whole mess to God... My mind... my distraction... my guilt... my hardened heart. As I confessed to God, yet again... everything that seemed to hold me back... I started to see what He needed me to do... He needed me to allow him to take over whatever burdens I had been carrying. He wanted to release me from the bondage that I'd been living in. For me to adjust my life accordingly, He needed to take hte initiative and offer me His hand. and for Him to initiate... I had to be willing.

For the longest time now, I've been feeling shameful... too shameful, ever time I messed up... to TRULY be redeemed... and all of a sudden, here I was sensing God's all too eager presence to REALLY guide me in letting lose all my sins.

As I returned to my seat after communion... I could only close my eyes and try to listen to His voice in all that I was feeling. and I could hear him say...

"I am releasing you. I am letting you loose. Give me your burdens to carry. Give me your guilt and shame. I have cleansed you with my blood. I live in you. I love you."

Oh, Father. Jesus.

I am so undeserving. and yet you have lifted me up into the cradle of your arms. You are carrying me through all my guilt and shame and fear. and I can only offer you myself to be used as you see fit. Lord, transform me and use me. I love you.