Frmont...

has officially become home. it used to be, despite the relatively short distance of 15 miles or so, that Fremont seemed so far away from San Jose... the playground of my adolescence.

but now... that neighborly albertsons... the drive in starbucks... the sparsely located Peets... the generously spaced target... the cozy borders... the high school infiltrated jamba juice... it all screams of familiarity every time I come home.

It has been a SILENT month. In July, everything went still. All of the dynamic spiritual waves had died down... the winds carrying that soft, still Voice, had gone mute. All I had was the thunderous echoes pounding within the hollows of my dreadful thoughts. When Mama Lim called me in the morning, commanding me, in her usual commanding tone of voice, to come home for sushi later... (yes mom, i will drive 6 hours for sushi) all I could do was meekly obey.

it's been a week. and while I miss the friends that are having tons of fun without me in LA, I must admit, there is nothing else that seems to be calling me back to Los Angeles. This is the very reason why I wanted to stick it out in LA... so that I wouldn't grow weak. or worse yet, pathetic.

I feel so small. instead of cheering on friends, I seem to wallow in self-despair whenever I hear of success stories as "announced" on facebook. Instead of encouraging my friends, I seem to compare myself to them... thinking aloud, "see??? they're doing well. They're putting in effort. are you? what is the matter with you? what is it that you're accomplishing?"

God help me. How is it that one can feel so mighty in one second, and then so pathetic the next?
how much less consistancy will my behaviors and mindsets prove to be before I finally grow up a little?