I am homesick. It was raining, day 1 of illness, and it brought me back, all the way, from other rainy days in LA, to rainy days in Beantown, to rainy days in the bay area. And yea, nothing like the rainfall in the bay area. The smell of wet leaves, asphalt, and crisp air mingling with the pitter-pattering cadence of the water drops interrupted by the rise and fall of traffic. Mmm... except now all of a sudden, I missed my childhood fiercely. I missed the coolness of my mother's palm on my forehead, whenever I had a fever. I missed the simplicity of having to wake up and practice violin for 38572034 hours. I missed never having to worry about my finances, feeling invincible somehow, and never mocking the state of suburban ignorant bliss that everything is as it seems all the time. and just like that, a seed of fear was planted. And I became of afraid of age. Getting older. Getting sicker. Frailer. The disappointments. The realizations. The awful truth. The confessions. The fatigue. The wrinkles. The weakness. The round-abouts. The temporality. The futility...
of this life.
Once again, I am reminded. Nothing of this earth is lasting or permanent. I have nothing to offer. I will get discouraged, despite my successes. I will forget, despite new knowledge. Memories will heal but may still scar. Friendships, once lasting, will fall apart. People will love, people will leave. Money, earned, will be lost. Nothing is anything. except one thing...
I am again, desperate for the salvation from this emptiness. The fear that I feel, stems from feeling apart from You. I am lost without your guidance. I need your steady hand. More than ever, I need your love. Identify me again as Your child. Label me yours, again! Deliver from this place of hopelessness, where one decision combusts with another.
Lord I want more of you, living water reign down on me
Lord I need more of you, living breath of life come fill me up.
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