It doesn't matter if you're the ONLY ONE that reaches out. Be the ONLY one the reaches out.
It doesn't matter if you're the ONLY ONE that responds. Be the ONLY one that responds.
It doesn't matter if you're the ONLY ONE that tries. Be the ONLY one that tries.
It doesn't matter if you're the ONLY ONE that loves. Be the ONLY one that loves.
Best to be set apart and be the ONLY ONE than be part of the world.
Like so, you become the imitator of the ONLY ONE who gave his ONE and ONLY son for us.
***
like a stray arrow, that truth hit me in the depths of my wallowing. I was going through a certain sort of funk, and allowing myself to melt into it.... the negativity, the hopelessness, it was all threatening the TRUTH -- that I'm privileged and loved and created fearfully in the uniqueness of Christ.
I am still struggling, but I'm struggling! Not giving up. I am fighting to discover the layers of truth instead of settling for the simplicity of lies.
and the onslaught of probing questions from the enemy starts ricocheting in the abbesses of my mind.
Satan: "Why are you at an office, making folders and picking up phone calls when everyone else is getting their masters?"
Me: "I... don't know. I know I'm doing more than just folders....I think"
Satan: "Acting? There are plenty of more attractive talented people, who aren't even trying getting gigs."
Me: "I ... don't know. It is taking so long."
Satan: "You will never be a good singer. You will never be a good guitarist. You quit the violin. Musician, are you?"
Me: "I know how to do a little bit of everything... not a lot of anything... i guess."
Satan: "Is your faith real? Is every word of your prayer genuine? Doesn't God question your sincerity? There are friends going through REAL battles. Grow up! Is your life that difficult?"
Me: "No! Yes! There are moments where I feel like this life is truly in vain. What am I doing here? In this office? Wondering what I am doing instead of acting? ... What am I doing, fighting to figure out where and how I belong into the incredible vision that is LA site church? How is this earthly relationship, so emotionally satisfying and draining, ever going to compete with the desire for me to find holistic complete satisfaction in being alone with the presence of God? I don't know anything ever, and I HATE planning because there's really no point when I don't know how life is going to turn. Nothing is consistent! But I CAN say one thing, I CAN say that I do know this to be ABSOLUTE. My life is not mine. MY choices? Don't matter. There is no security in ME and therefore, I MUST have security in the Lord and His hope. My faith may not be based out of knowing it's 100% real or genuine, but it's based on NEED. I will absolutely be unhappy, depressed, lonely, and desolate without GOD. THERE is the answer to everything that YOU throw at me, Satan. There is the answer to every question, every need, every thought my parents, my friends, my bf, my bosses, and strangers may toss at me. I am sorry; in the end, it is not YOU that matters, but GOD. You cannot compete with my need for him. That even though I struggle with being a best friend and love to my God, if I am not, I will have no. reason. to. live."
***
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