You know, every single time i go visit socal, it never goes beyond the 3 block limit of Ktown. Seriously, for about 48 hours or so, we spend every aching moment at the 4 same restaurant, eating the 4 same menu items that we order, and occasionally, we venture to pasadena to sleep over at a family friends.
my impression of LA is ghetto mixed in with fob fantasy. and tons of traffic. and too many hours of driving. ok ok let's admit, FABULOUS korean food.
i've been to Hollywood...well the same touristy strip of it about 4 times now. Every time I see it, I die a little bit inside... half due to nostalgic sadness at it's destitute condition... half due to the tingling anticipation at the thought of future glory and success. I discover a new name (sometimes a new old one) at Graumann's and I never fail to NOT find Judy Garland's star in the walk of fame.
Overall, I leave So*cal feeling satisfied, full, and pretty turned-off. I think to myself, I hate this city... it's not all that and honestly, i can't afford a damn thing let alone insurance for all the future car accidents I'll have!
yet, I have to move down there. pretty soon. and hate it or not, i'm going to have to make it my home and my place to know like hte back of my hand. I dread it. and I fear it. and i absolutely abhor the fact that i am scared shitless. I. am. so. scared. Everytime I think about actually moving down... my stomach sinks a little bit. and my heart beats a bit faster. and I think "oh shit, am i making a mistake? am i seriously fucking up here? will i die? will i just become disillusioned and waste years of my life out here in some hell hole of sin?!!!"
not only that. but... things look pretty dire in the career and life of the lazy tutor. Out of my two students left, one has decided to choose art school over english. and of course I don't blame her! I actually FEEL, very OBVIOUSLY, that God is definitely making me get a move on in the whole finding a job, part-time or otherwise thing... which is a good thing. except I can't help but feel discouraged that my plan of being a successful tutor, giving me oodles of flexibility and free time, didn't pan out. I'm now a step closer to being forced to apply for some sort of OFFICIAL job. and that really doens't appeal to me right now. Yeah yeah yeah, I may sound spoiled... but right now, I'm just... trying to achieve all that i want ok?! and that means avoiding the whole temp full time/full time full time thing.
regardless. now that all my friends are gone... literally.... all but like two ( i love you guys! sincerely *sob*) ~ it's time to buckle down. i've said this a BAJILLION times. I DONT' even believe myself anymore. but seriously, it's time to really do this if i am ever going to do it. even if i'm scared... which i so am... i have to. have. faith! I must! i must i must i must!
please encourage me. I know that empty words are empty words... but i know it'll help. so please don't hesitate! lots of thanks in advance!
it's january 5th... already. it felts like new years was yesterday. 23 in 7 days. ridiculous. and stunning. Time is truly a gift from the Lord. Shoot me for sounding like a granny but I wanna stay young!
ps. people who write so eloquently in their blogs floor me. i write like i talk which sometimes makes me think i sound like an utter bimbo. it's amazing to read some truly inspiring blogs that are actually sincere and genuine!
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1 comment:
it's cool how you can get to know someone a little bit better by just reading their blog..
first of all, you're not an utter bimbo! haha omigosh, while i was reading your entry, i was like, "dang..this girl can write!" and then i was SURPRISED at the end when you said you sound like a bimbo. -__- whateverrr!!! freaaakk, i wish i can write like you!!
and second of all, it's okay to be scared, to have fears and doubts...it just shows you're human and how much faith and trust and patience we need to have in God. the few sundays that i got to know you, i've seen how amazing and wonderful and ambitious of a character you are. you bring laughter and joy to all the people at church, to your family and friends, and i KNOW that wherever you go, socal or norcal, you'll do GREAT. you can do it!!! :) :) :)
if you like, i'll pray for you~ by the way, when are you moving down???
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