Home Alone

for about 4 days, I've been home "alone" with my three dogs, gamer-of-a-cousin Paul, and and near and dear grandmama Park. Without the mighty freighty presence of Mama Lim and Papa Lim... it's quieter... free-er.... calmer.... what other adjective can i add that would be both parallel in structure and in meaning?

PLUS, i've been getting some early morning reflection time now that I've somehow or another incorporated a granny sleeping schedule (pass out before 12, wake up before..8?! I HATE TO LOVE YOU TCS!). hearing the birds chirping while typing away on my mac book pro, sipping hazelnut-macadamia nut coffee over some toast... i mean, it's ENCHANTED mixed with a Folgers commercial. HOW CAN ANYONE GO WRONG WITH THAT?!

the thing is... for the past 4 months, I've been wondering if I'd lost all sense of independence. at least the technicalities of it... cooking for myself, pro-actively transporting myself, arranging my "professional" schedule. all that jazz. of course, playing baby-sitter to Paul doesn't really enhance my short return to simulated young adult life, but still, I've been nominally semi-impressed wiht my abilities to set the table and cook for myself (at least the stuff that I know and my mom already prepped. i never said it was back to real life!) ~ clean up after 3 dogs (geebus, if i see one more piece of dog shit on our hard wood floor... ) ~ ... ok, i can't think of anymore obligations that I've taken on hahaha, so enough there.

i guess what I'm getting at is... I was kinda afraid that I'd gone through some short-term-year 2006-2007 loss, but I dont' think I have and it's a comforting piece of knowledge to have.

ON A SEMI-RELATED TANGENT that's maybe actually really far from related.... (and somewhat morbid for 830 am)

I've been hit this past couple of weeks with an dawning realization that... life is however long God gives us and that parting with loved ones on this earth is simply inevitable. I know that all Disney movies teach us this in "Bambi." but i couldn't really really relate because I'd never lost a loved one before. Came close, but even then, it didn't REALLY hit me. This week, talking over it with one of my best friends, I started to think about how I could never really emote ... or come to think of it... never actually fully engage with... LOVING someone. There are plenty like me, I know... especially among the Korean race where people don't say I LOVE YOU without getting run over by a car afterwards... but even in terms of using synonymous sentiments... paraphrasing the shit out of "I appreciate you. Thank you. You are so dear to me." (damn you hallmark!) it shouldn't be that hard. the pride i hold up against saying them... it's just ridiculous... especially compared to the short amount of time/lengthy-life-times-worth-of-time you have to say them.

I would just hate to lose someone dear to me and think to myself afterwards, "Geebus, they died without ever realizing how much they meant to me. and now i'll have to wait for a really long time." and that's without the whole complex, doubting-fool's worth of questions regarding life-after-death.

but of course, the sad thing is, I probably won't be able to let down my guard still, with some of the most embedded people in my life. I might with some. but not with all. maybe because I'm still in the process of realizing? and because I still care for some mutual response... (ahhh, a whole different topic of Grace comes to mind... another time perhaps).

anyway, i'm gonna go and enjoy my last 24 hours "home alone" by cleaning up more dog shit. oh the simple pleasures in life. i LOVE THEM.

there. i'm getting better already ;).