strength

i started off the day visiting my grandma who told me, rough translation, that even as a child, i'd had... "weight." i wasn't one of those babies who cried the minute my mom left the room... apparently, i started house-sitting by the time i knew how to sit up (kind of sad actually... ) and that "if i first could not succeed..." i would most certainly dust myself off and try again, try again, try again~... a strong little baby. thats what my granny said.


at the gym, my trainer told me she was proud of me... for "an asian girl" who'd started out quite "deflated," i was becoming STRONG! and today, as i was working that treadmill to shreds, the same compliment kept me pushing on those short little legs into a blur.


but then that strong little girl, started off today with an equally weighty chip on her shoulder. although, to be fair... it wasn't such a red letter day.


my previous story about Sanjaya. it ends badly. tonight, was the disastrous climax, and unfortunately it happened in front of my professor and my classmates. thankfully, i didn't come off looking like the ass. he did. but that didn't stop me from feeling like shit. not even the protective intervention and camaraderie displayed in my classmates support could make me feel better.


on my way back from class, all i could think about was... gosh, you're a strong girl. you'll get through this. you'll show them. and then some. you don't need anyone's help because you've always dug through.

except, all i wanted was to lean on someone and lose myself in an all consuming, non-expecting embrace. and of course, no one was there.

and how could they be? when i didn't let them know anything (well nearly)that was going on?

maybe that's the point...


to say the least... the past month has been eventful. it seems that way in all sense of the word. my life has not been... easy. and somehow or another, today, or all days, became one of those days where i started to reflect on how it's been affecting me...

the thing is. i MUST be strong. i don't feel that way at all during the days where i sometimes look in a mirror too long, or get into an argument with my parents... but I MUST be strong to have not gone down a britney or lindsay psycho spree. a month of family trauma, friend/boy issues, and now, acting class DRAMA... with no job, no concrete plans, and mere dreams, i'm wondering what it is that keeps me going...

not to say that i think so highly of myself to say that these troubles are anything above and beyond the ordinary. the world has bigger problems. mine, are absolutely minute.

however, i was thinking today, in what other way, what deeper way, are these events effecting me? am i so numb as to not feel as deeply what others would feel? this "strength"... this shield... it's kept me going...fine... but in what other ways is it hindering me from dealing with some of these issues in a healthier way than just a severely private one?


the thing is... even when i DO want to lean on others... ask for help... be vulnerable... during those moments, few in between, i find a lack of will or strength from those i can and am supposed to lean on. OR I find myself not wanting to burden anyone because as i've said before, the world has bigger problems. the former disappoints me... and both discourage me from reaching out.

so i learn to depend on myself. to be strong. to hold it up and keep it together. you want me to be vulnerable? then prove that you're the person that'll be there by actually being there. otherwise, don't butt in, because i'll deal with it myself.
expect nothing from everyone and you'll never be disappointed right?

except now, i find myself wanting to be held, wanting to be taken care of... and unable to ask for it from those that i want to.


and sadly, i know, that by tomorrow, this phase too, shall pass, and i shall revert to being a strong individual again.


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it's not a mask. it's who i am. that's what makes it so instinctive and so hard.