a really good story about why i'm miserable. just read on.

so much drama. not the first time. but the biggest in awhile. and the thing is... why?

for the past 2 weeks, i've been somewhat miserable, torn in every which way, and utterly confounded due to the dynamics between my scene partner, a young/old-ish adult (somewhere in his young 30s?) Indian fob, and I.

it started of warily enough (which may be my fault~ never judge a book by it's cover?)... i was paired up with Sanjaya (no not the american idol contestant, it's an alias) not because i chose to like everyone else and their scene partners, but because I'd missed a couple of the previous classes due to family issues. apparently, sanjaya had never worked with a girl in the 9 scenes he'd performed for class... and guess who was going to be lucky chosen one was???

the thing is, during the previous 6 weeks, I'd been observing his crazy fashion sense (hot pink sneakers, no joke, coordinated with a red sports jacket), his utterly incomprehensible diction (no offense here, just mere observation) due to his heavy accent, and a somewhat mediocre if sometimes decent performance rate.

i wasn't too thrilled then, to spend the last 3rd of my semester playing wife to his hubby.

of course, don't just label me off as a pretentious, racist, diva bitch please. i decided that i was going to take this opportunity to really challenge myself. to incorporate whatever offstage reservations i had into my acting, to really push the envelope in my ability to be flexible as a co-actor... i mean, the chances of being paired with someone you want to (HEY TOM, HEY MERYL, WANNA SHOOT A MOVIE WITH ME?) in hollywood... pretty damn slim. this was gonna be a great learning experience for me.... i was actually somewhat excited.

of course, i still had doubts. especially when sanjaya decided to blow me off on the first rehearsal (45 minutes right before class... it was apparently ok to just throw off lines during the first week...) ... no phone calls... no nothing. he later revealed that it was because his friend had died. ok. fine. no qualms there. our cold reading during class was decent, and the added doubts about our compatibility could REALLY work into our scene. fine.

AND THEN. (stick with me here viewers, it gets good)

i give the guy a call this past wednesday. we had decided to practice on friday afternoon, but i was wondering if we could push it to monday because of some scheduling conflicts. Sanjaya, begins, at my innocent (unknowingly naive) suggestion, to talk 234232320982323 words per second about how it was extremely negative to practice within 48 hours of performance and how he'd tried and failed. i tried, somewhere in there, to get in that it'd be fine, i'd done it plenty of times before... but then before i could finish those 10 or 15 or so words, HE STARTS TO THROW A HISSY FIT about how i'd MISSED a couple of classes, and htis was just another example of my LACK OF COMMITMENT and flakiness and that I was being EXTREMELY immature. he then goes off to say that he thought i was being really dramatic over something so little as rehearsals (...still couldn't get in a word edgewise... peaktime minutes MINUS 45!)

me... @.@. mind you, he's yelling. like yelling. my head = wait, what did i just say? of course, yours truly don't got no problem bein confrontational ~ it's just that when i DID finally explode about how he wouldn't LET ME TALK, he starts screaming over me.

so two people on the phone, screaming, at each other, at hte same time.

and then, HE STARTS LAUGHING. like. snickering. i freeze. w.t.f. is he. laughing? and then, he pulls hte switch, and says, real-congenial like, "ok, well, if you can't practice this friday, lets do it on monday... but for the next two weeks, can we please do it on friday?"

as if the past 45 minutes of pyschobabble, never. happened.

result= i end up telling the guy, forget it, i'll meet you on friday, time we previously decided.

sanjaya must have felt bad, cuz then he offers to buy me dinner. me = FUCK NO. leave me alone, except not in those words. so then he says "how about coffee?" me = i'ts ok. really. any more time with you and i'd probably throw myself under a trolley. him = real, frustrated like, "BUT I'M YOUR SCENE PARTNER". YEAH BUT NOT MY LOVER OK?!!!

we finally hang up.

eff. i feel like i've been through th ewar zone and i don't even know WHAT i did.

friday, i go into the city. we meet up, it begins innocnetly enough as we head towards this public garden place to practice. we find aplace where there aren't as many people (but there are still lots... =__=) and take out our scripts.

sanjaya requests that we perform as much as we can the next class session, which OF COURSE, is in direct contradiction to my thoughts that we should conquer half first and then get through ht erest. (there are 3 weeks left at this point). which of course, starts to get him riled up. "we're already behind! we're already behind! WE MUST GET THROUGH MORE THAN HALF AND THEN WE MUST ABSORB! ABSORB! I NEED MORE THAN A WEEK TO ABSORB! I DO I DO! THATS HOW I AM! I AM A REAL ACTOR! I'M ENGAGED! I CANNOT JUST STOP!!!!"

5 minutes into it, he's already yelling at me... i try in vain, to get in my opinion, a WHOLE THOUGHT... " wait, but sanjaya, it's too much, we need to... but sanjaya, our professor told us... but Sanjaya, will you lease let me talk ? Sanjaya... don't yell at me..." even i couldn't believe how calm i was being. my voice was a model of calm. me = CALM WOMAN. (ready to implode and explode at the same fucking time!)

"but baby ---" CUT THE RECORD. BABY?! BABBBBYYYY?!!!!!! INDIAN FOB PSYCHO BABBLE FASHION DISASTER CALLING ME BABY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me = "sorry sanjaya but please, don't call me that"
him = somewhat embarassed " i wasn't calling you that as a bf/gf."

"yeah but it's still somewhat offensive. id on't appreciate it, so please stop."
"YOU'RE AGAINST ME! YOU GO AGAIST EVERYTHING THAT I SAY! IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. IT'S LIKE CALLING A GUY DUDE! WHATS THE BIG DEAL! THIS JUST SHOWS HOW IMMATURE YOU ARE!"

... cry me a fucking river. the guy goes on then, AGAIN, questioning my integrity and passion for acting.

"BY MISSING THOSE TWO CLASSES, YOU DID A GREAT INJUSTICE TO YOUR PARTNER! YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A COLLEGE STUDENT! I'M BETTER THAN YOU! I TOOK THIS CLASS LONGER THAN YOU. I HAVE BEEN IN 9 CONSECUTIVE SCENES... 39 WEEKS STRAIGHT! NEVER MISSED A CLASS!"

by this time, poeple are totally looking. oh the joys of being outside on a beautiful day. the sparkling water pool, the clear blue sky, the peaceful barking of a psycho...

at this point. i'm done. i really am. it's verging on 40 minutes of the guy yelling at me. i'm not the type of person to sit through a screaming session more than once... but honestly, i'm just confused at how i got into this in the first place.

i = model of calm = CALMLY say, "sanjaya, if we're not going to rehearse...and you'er going to yell at me... i'm gonna just go."

him = yelling = "i'm not yelling! i'm being expressive! and i don't care if people are looking!"

me = picking up my backpack ( i got it for free at 24 hour fitness, i'ts pretty cool!~) , CALMLY. LEAVE.

sanjaya = actually in shock taht i'm leaving his spotlight = "wait! jan! jan! ok ok ! we'll practice! we'll practice!"

too. fucking. late.


he calls about 6 times. i of course, calmly screen them. and then i call my acting teacher to say that honestly, i dont' think i can do this. it's unprofessional i know, but without a third party involved to help us (or me) talk to one another...i'd just rather lock myself up in alcatraz.

but the thing is, the more i think about it. the guy insulted me. hugely. he insulted my passion, my regard, and my motivations. he yelled and humiliated me in public. he wasted 45 minutes of my peak time minutes doing all ove hte above. and more than that, he wouldn't even bother to LISTEN to the shit i was saying...which would have revealed that nothing i said was... offensive. so, i don't think i'm being unprofessional for not wanting to deal with someone like that. i DON'T think i'm wrong at all.

but what IS wrong is that i can't bring myself to yearn for chicken tikka marsala like i used to.

and THAT si a very very sad thing.


i don't know whats going to happen... but really, if this is what actors go through on set for 5 months at a time...then they're not receiving as much praise as they deserve for the sanity that they do still have.

ahogiaewj;oahga;owjawio;fja;wegh. SO DONE!