too late

for me to be up... my sleeping habits have been messed up because of tennis. i blame everything good and bad on tennis. TENNIS! YOU ARE THE BEST AND WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME!!! TENNNNISSSSS!!

it will all be over soon. that is, until october.

but i'll admit, i kinda relish the thought of a break in our relationship. i was never one for commitment.

i was flipping through my xanga site today. i had been kind of worried that all my old posts had been deleted and i finally decided to grow some balls and check.... thankfully, they were all still there, including all the pictures! hooray! i lost my harddrive several years ago and along with them... hundreds of pictures... some of my college mates will know that back then, i used to wear my camera on my forehead and carry it wherever i went, just in case i wanted to shove it in people's faces... but then i'd make some beautiful storyboard xanga posts... complete with a beginning and end... y'all know you loved it! oh the good old xanga days with all them comments... i wonder, do people actually read this thing? i daresay, not many... and actually, i prefer not to know... as exhibitionist a part of this online blogging thing all is, i've been pretty genuine and sincere... open as can be, and probably shouldn't be, about all sorts of things. of course if you can't call my obsession for a fuzzy yellow ball deep... then don't know what's wrong with you!


all cheeky comments aside. this week has been a slightly melancholy one... admittedly, i'm a bit of a bluesy person. one week before . it gets slightly... ok DRAMATICALLY worse. this week, it was worsened by yet another, albeit minor, medical infection. for someone who's been hitting up the gym, eating less fatty foods, i've been awfully prone to diseases!! why?!!! anyway, this week, more than others, i was struck by either, how accomplished or how fabulous, others lives were in comparison to mine. of course i know the saying "never judge a book by it's cover..." obviously what i see is not what all there is, blah blah blah. but fact of the matter is, it seems like everyone around me is working at Google , going to grad school, or travelling to Dubai (seriously, what a hotspot this year!). even my fob cousin gets to go to Korea for an entire 2 months with allowance allocated specifically for drinking his underaged hiney off... and me... well, i'm stuck with a huge hole in my bank account and parents who consistently remind me that any money i have stashed away for spontaneous trips should be donated towards the family fund.

clearly i'm happier than when i was working full-time in boston. clearly, living at home is the best situation if i HAD to be bankrupt... and obviously, going on a trip would truly be a stupid idea at this point.

but.

good lord, i'm tired of feeling insignificant. and somewhere, between hitting the gym too many times a week and watching too many hours of tennis on ESPN 360... the part of me that's travelled all over Europe playing music and studied abroad in Australia... the part of me that was self-sufficient, though totally chubby, and had her work pay for health- insurance... the part of me that was on some sort of career track, as off as it was... all of those parts are screaming for some sort of attention or acknowledgement. i need some sort of really big screaming smack in the head to remind me that i'm NOT just bumming around, living at home, and getting rock-hard abs at 23, for... a self-sufficient, cultured, career-oriented lifestyle... because i gave all that shit up for what i have now. something extraordinary... something that fulfills so organically, so deeply, so consumingly~ sooner or later, i suppose...

just not now. not now, one week before my menstruation cycle is about to begin. right now, i just feel like i'm stalled. going nowhere. and stuck.

the joys of womenhood. boy, oh boy.

well, diversions lay ahead in july. and i might just say, fuck the parents' judgement and go ahead and go on a trip anyway. we'll see. as moody as this one is tonight, she'll be ok tomorrow morning after having watched some early morning tennis. :)