The Ugly Truth (circa 2009, starring Katherine Heigel and Gerard Butler) with my boss and coworker at my restaurant.
You know, ever since I started working at Shin... my social life has really catered to it. While this is due to the fact that I spend so much time there during the week, it's also due to the fact that it's just convenient to stay behind after my shift and make time for those people in my life who I am required to see.
Which is a catch 22. Seeking out people for genuine fellowship...even those I've been friends with for years, now seems so illusive and difficult. Of course, I accept the fact that it may be natural... we're all so busy working... consumed by the daily occurrences of our lives that sacrificing our personal time for others seems much more the task than usual.
Still, there are moments where I am struck by the incredibly loud echo of loneliness. When I become a part of that "sacrifice" instead of the "convenience" in someone else's life. When it suddenly strikes me that a friendship has officially become a project in place of an automatic go to. In the end, the loneliness turns into disparity... soon, resentment and defiance. In short... I start to resemble Scrooge.
Human nature is to automatically be at the receiving end of "reality's blunt blow"... I constantly have to (and must) remind myself to see it from God's overall perspective... and to keep on seeking out those relationships in my life which I care for.
It is a constant struggle. To stay strong, take initiatives, and swallow my pride which keeps on tugging at me to stay put until someone else does. To NOT interpret the situation as I am inclined to. To stay afloat on the sea of insecurity and doubt.
How many times have I blogged and journaled about this? The questions ... "is it me? or them?" "Does that mean they don't like me? Or is it me being too sensitive?" "Why does it seem so much easier for everyone else?"
How much more does God feel rejection than me? How much more do I hurt him, everytime I miss his calling or turn my back on him? How many times do I forget that maybe if I find content in His unswerving loyalty and unstoppable attention... that I may actually find the answers to these pathetically loser-ish questions?
Like I said, it is a Catch 22. These moments of solitude...where I want to cry because I feel like no one else wants to play with me... they remind me only of the Grand Master Himself. I am reminded of that incredible "ah" moment (insert angel's choir here) of feeling his embrace... finding out that omg, I am SO IN LOVE WITH GOD because HE IS AWESOME...HE ACCEPTS ME BECAUSE ALL MY FAULTS AND LAMENESS, IS STILL LIKE HIS IMAGE. OMG HOW CRAZY IS THAT? EVEN I CAN'T LOVE ALL OF ME, AND HE STILL DOES?! (WHAT A CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY GOD!) AMAZING!!!!
which makes me think, geeze, loneliness... this thing that drives people to end lives, find solace in drugs and other generally unhealthy habits... this thing is actually....
HEALTHY.
wow.
well... that's something, ain't it?
1 comment:
remember when we had that conversation over wine at the grove, when i was feeling lonely, lost and all of the above? about two months after that, i had another conversation with a family friend about loneliness and how to NOT be lonely. he was quiet for a moment, and then said, "you know, when i was about your age in my mid-twenties, i also got quite lonely sometimes. looking at the hustling and bustling around me, trying to find the 'meaning' and larger purpose of my life. well, may it be religion, family, friends, career or whatever it is that people look to for solace, another wise person just simply said to me 'you live to learn to enjoy loneliness.' maybe it's not all about filling up that loneliness or figuring out what is wrong so you won't be lonely. maybe it is about learning to love that loneliness, appreciate the alone times and accepting loneliness as something healthy in your life."
your post made me think of that. maybe you and i can feel alone together.
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