I moved down to LA to pursue acting, late 2008, just having spent the greatest year of my life at home up in Northern California. Driving down the 425 miles or so, I could taste all my dreams coming true. I couldn’t wait. I was going to find a job, find an agent, and be a guest on the Ellen Degeneres show by 2010. I was cocky, idealistic, and completely ignorant of God’s plans. You see, up until that point, while my life had always been filled with God and church, I had never really had a “great” relationship with Him.
I was born an only child, ONLY DAUGHTER in a Korean pastor’s family. My dad is a pastor, my uncle is a pastor…and my grandfather is a pastor. Growing up, I was always plagued by the obligations I had to my dad’s very intimately sized church, and I purposely went to Boston for college, as far away from my family and my identity as a PK (pastor’s kid) as possible. I couldn’t WAIT to get out of my little bubble. Freedom awaited on the other side! Except, after the initial relief I felt at not having to serve, not having to join a ministry, I found myself at a loss of purpose at the church. If I didn’t have to do all these things, what exactly was I supposed to do? Now that I had time to actually focus on worshipping God, I found myself wondering, “wait, what do these words REALLY mean to me? Do they mean anything at all?” I realized that while I had been singing these songs all my life, praying the words, “Amazing Grace, the glory of his blood, the wondrous cross,” they had just become Christian clichés that I was not really attached to. It felt hypocritical that I would still sing praise or pray when they meant nothing to me. So I stopped singing, and I stopped praying. and I stopped attending church altogether. (if my parents found out, they would die). My spiritual identity divorced my personal identity.
I moved back home after college to save up money for LA. I was a little apprehensive about being a PK again. However, surprisingly, the adjustment back was easy. While my relationship with God wasn’t miraculously restored, I found that having to serve at my Dad’s church again, was actually enjoyable. I felt nice to be needed again. I felt like I was making a difference. I was even singing in our very loud, and very out of tune adult choir. On top of that, my year at home was extremely awesome. I was surrounded by my friends and family. I had no financial burdens, I was taking acting classes and acing them, and most importantly, I lost my college 15 lbs. Even though I hadn’t had a personal relationship with God in quite some time, I almost like He was making up for my rough 4 years in Boston. He was coaxing me back. Soon, I had enough money saved up for LA. I moved down with stardust in my eyes. I couldn’t wait to get my career started.
Fast forward 4 months. Ktown, Los Angeles. I was broke. I must have applied to 25 different Starbucks locations, and still couldn’t find a job. I was friendless and lonely after going through very silly yet time-consuming drama. And because I couldn’t find a job, I couldn’t afford any acting classes or headshots, or the morale to find myself any gigs. I church-hopped halfheartedly, but again, I found myself reminded of my church going days in Boston. God filled Sundays, Godless life. No connection in between. Everyday, I would struggle just to get out of bed. “What do I do today to make the time pass?” What can I turn to to fill this incredible void in my life? I was angry with myself for having been so idealistic. And more then that, I was starting to wonder what God wanted from me. Why was he making it so hard? Why did he build me up that entire year at home just to bring me down? I was SICK of waiting for something to happen. I could NOT wait. Finally, February 16th, 2009, this is what I wrote in my blog:
“Today, I celebrated with a long awaited, emotional breakdown. What started off, however, as a resentful, bitter, disillusioned sobfest, evolved into one of raw, honest, confession of pain... ‘God, I can’t do this anymore. You have to make this better, cuz I can’t. Help me, God, take away this pain!’ There I am, warthog sounds coming out of me, wailing to the Lord when I received a text message from a friend, asking me if I was ok... and BOOM, like a lightning bolt, I knew...FELT...that GOD LOVED ME. It was as if my Mom or Dad was enveloping me into a warm embrace, telling me to release and let go... stroking my hair, patting my back... assuring me that I was going to be taken care of. God LOVES me.”
After 24 years of being hardened, it took a simple text message to hear from God. In 4 months, God had broken down every fallible aspect of my life. He showed me that I had no control over anything, even my own actions. He showed me that I was susceptible to all kinds of pain and that the closest friends or family wouldn’t be enough. Only He could make it better. Only He could comfort me. And even if I was just an ordinary, broke, starving actor crying in her car in the middle of the night, He still loved me. That night, I finally understood what God’s GRACE was. What His LOVE felt like.
That was the beginning of a very VERY REAL friendship between God and me. It’s been a little over a year since then. It’s like He’s built me up from ground zero. I have since then committed to Southland, and have reaped humongous blessings from the ministries that I gladly choose to participate in. I love our women’s sports ministry. WE ARE Amazing. My LA cell group is filled with tenacious women who pray COURAGEOUSLY. We feed each other, exercise together, intercede for one another, heal our each other’s pain, AND seek to spread the gospel to our non-believing friends.
And most recently, I have been experiencing God FREQUENTLY and DYNAMICALLY through Experiencing God. Within the first week of joining this 13 week boot camp--I mean bible study, I became filled with the Holy Spirit and received one of His gifts: the gift of tongue, which has opened doors for more spiritual gifts. I landed a commercial agent who has sent me out on auditions for Best Buy and Nickelodeon (I’m 5’2 and pear shaped, that is a big deal), BUT most incredibly, I have started this ongoing conversation with the Lord that I’ve NEVER experienced before. I’m so convicted and joyful of the fact that God TRULY knows my name, my struggles, the ways I need to be affirmed and disciplined. I recognize now that He speaks to me in ways that are so personalized, super unique; we have inside jokes the Lord and I, WORD. we have a lot of fun. There are still so many moments where I mess up and feel so guilty or ashamed that I question how God can love me… however, these moments in themselves remind me how much I yearn for God’s complete forgiveness and initiative in transforming me so he can use me for his Will. I recall the moment right after I’d received the holy spirit. As I slowly drifted down from my euphoric prayer experience, I could hear God’s voice, as authoritative and commanding as anyone would imagine God’s voice to be and He said, “Now Go and Do MY WORK.” I can’t wait. Whether that means acting or having a bunch of pastor’s kids or anything else he wants me to do… I can’t wait. Thank you.
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