I LOVE MYSELF day~

I'll tell you a secret. I love watching my own Youtube videos. Not because I think they're perfect (they are TOTALLY not)~ NOT because I'm trying to raise the hits~ but because... I am entertained.

there I've said it. I think secretly, that I'm kind of entertaining. Is that vanity? Or just honest self-appreciation? Whatever. JUDGE ME ALL YOU WANT! :)

The deeper part of it is this... I blogged about Inner Healing... and I blogged that I actually had issues with self- adequacy. Never feeling good enough. Always being apologetic for being "different." Now, it's never to a point where I felt awkward or knew that I was that stereotypical outsider... but I always knew that deep down, there had to be a reason why I felt left out or was so deathly afraid to be.

This week has been rough. I am dealing with hurt; the kind that reminds me of what I was healed from during IH. The kind I thought I was now, invincible from. How wrong I was. How complacent and naive. I am still very very susceptible to pain caused by others.

But as I was dealing with the familiar feelings of indignation, sorrow, guilt, anxiety, I realized that no, I HAD changed. In a good way. I realized that instead of crouching in a corner, expecting to be stoned for things I wasn't in any way responsible for, I was on my two feet, dizzy, but still standing. And instead of relying on others per say for their sympathetic, yet temporary, comfort, I was earnestly asking God to become my Defender. To fight my battles. To carry me through across the threshold of cluttered, mind-numbing analysis of the situation, to the sane, clear safety zone of forgiveness and reconciliation despite the circumstance.

It sounds as if I've been through Iraq. Haha, and that's another thing. Perspective. For females, it's difficult to have any at all. I mean, consider the fact that our already tense emotions are on freak mode once a month. But God blessed me with perspective today: an audition for an indie film. My first theatrical audition ever since a year ago. Ah~yes, there are bigger things in life I'm going for besides dwelling on such petty human drama.

And He instilled in me one more thing too: If He is to defend me, now and in the future, as He has always done in the past, I better be part of HIS team. Meaning, I better STAND for what HE is. Which is unconditional LOVE and Grace. If I lean on Him as my protector and Justice League partner, my Superman, then I better start living life as Wonderwoman.

Meaning, even when my heart is pounding with self-righteous, finger-pointing, feet-stomping 'ME ME ME ME' judgement, I will obey the still, familiar, peaceful voice that is of God. " Go and do my work. Love my people as I have loved you."

Sigh* there is still a long ways to go for me in terms of spiritual development. But I am so grateful these intimate moments with my Lord, which I am proud to say, is frequent.

I am not putting myself on a pedestal of any sort when I say this (TRUST ME), but I LOVE MYSELF, if only because Christ loves me. :)