Thoughts about...

access winter retreat 2011.

I really didn't want to go this year. I was convinced it was going to be either: (a) meat market or (b) social networking.

I changed my mind when I woke up this past week with God's instruction in my heart: "GO TO THE RETREAT." Following through with my vow to act upon any instinct that seemed of Divine origin, I begrudgingly signed up to go. Besides, I had a list of 5 things I wanted to really pray for:
1. My family -- Pastor Lim
2. My health -- Phantom C
3. My Career
4. My Ministry//Missions
5. My future hubz.

Fair enough.

As far as retreats go, this one was actually a lot more laid back than most. The last "weekend" reprieve I had at Southland was Encounter, and THAT... well, that was NOT laid back in any way (NOT in a bad way! :D).

For the first 24 hours or so, I sat there, gawking my head, wondering, "ok... so... why did I come here again?" Not to say I wasn't having fun. I did. But I didn't hear any answers from God.

At every retreat, there is the last night of worship. No matter how chill or uninterested anyone may seem during the first night or the next day... the LAST NIGHT of worship is the one everyone is itching to get to. That's where you REALLY receive breakthrough... of course, that's assuming you go ALL out. Anyway, long story short, I DID hear from God. It started, as it now usually does, during praise. I started to manifest (Holy Abs); it died down during the sermon, and then during ministry time, I started quaking in earnest.

A quick word about the manifestation thing. To me, it's amazing. It's NOT quite something I can control yet. I think I've got it down to knowing when it'll start-- Whenever I feel as if I sense God's LOVE for me. When I ask or hear of his Love for me, it begins. I don't know if I can make it stop on command... but I DO know that as it IS an indication of God's presence near me, I would rather ride it out until it dies down naturally.

So, as I started to pray, especially over my father and my life, I asked God over and over, "WHY did you want me here?"

and after a little bit, I heard.

"Because I wanted to meet with you here."
"But why especially here?"
"Just because. Isn't that a good enough reason?"

God wanted to spend time with me. Beyond the 4 corners of my apartment. Beyond the bar table at Peet's. He wanted to spend time with me, up in the mountains, surrounded by fresh air, and others, hungering just as eagerly for him.

and just like that, I was floored. humbled. and completely swept off my feet.
Then, I saw an image of a list of 5 items -- my prayerlist -- and next to each item was a big bold check mark: God's confirmation that my prayers were already answered and that it was only a matter of time before they were revealed to me.

It felt almost too simple. Too easy. But sometimes, God is that merciful and that gracious. He's already holding out that feast of blessings, and all I have to do is just grab a spork and eat.

I don't know if it was out of incredulous joy or something else, but as the ministry time wrapped up, I experienced what some may call, and what I hesitantly reveal, as Holy laughter. Now, mind you, I am floored even as I type this. I shake my head in wonder because it's so hard to describe why I am convicted that this laughter is not the usual boisterous laughter I have. Let's just say, it bubbled out unceasingly, was triggered by the sight of people worshipping, and went on for as long as my Holy abs did. Forgive me if I overstep when I write this, but I believe it was an expression of God's absolute delight at the ministry going around me.

As I wrap up this overly long testament to this weekend, I shall bulletproof a final handful of thoughts:

*I feel silly for having categorized that this retreat would be nothing more than a social gathering-- I actually felt like I was blessed with a small group that were filled with friends I didn't know as well! :D
*Southland is so blessed to have such a hard-working leaders in our Single's ministry~! Praise God for our new pastor(s)!
*I feel even more secure in my singledom than ever before.
*I will pray unceasingly for a softened heart towards God's people.
*I am SO blessed by God's presence. I am humbled every time he blesses me with his images, the Spirit, and words of encouragement. I will never be filled enough. More God, MORE!!!

//
images & words regarding LTK = "a vessel being filled with oil." / REST