venting...

Today, my uncle spent an hour telling me of all sorts of different problems he had been struggling with for some time. It was both curious and (without seeming facetious) sad at the same time knowing that here he was, a middle aged man who was confiding in his neice for the first time...curious because I had never been a confidante to one of my uncles before...and sad in that... well how frustrated and lonely he must had felt to open up to me.

We all have such struggles and problems don't we? And we all need that confidante to open up to. Oh I know, God is always there....but to have another human being empathize with you despite how petty your problems may seem in the grander scheme of things...well, I suppose that is why "Lean on Me" became such a classic hit, no?

I need to vent. Yet I struggle with feeling insecure about my need to. A fear that others may think I am overdramatizing or making a big deal about things....a fear of discovering that I may just be whining and not doing enough to find solutions...and I suppose the greatest fear of them all: that no one truly cares. Everyones got problems. Get over it and yourself.

This past week was just a wipeout. I just couldn't seem to NOT feel tired. Maybe I just needed to recover from the retreat....but whatever it was, it was a stinky funk. I got sick towards the end of the week and as I lay there in bed, zoning out to one movie after another....I became overwhelmed by all of the things that I had been strong enough about up until now. I couldn't get over it. I couldn't pray. For the first time in a long time, I found myself wanting to back pedal from God instead of run towards him. I felt resentment and futility. Loneliness. The need to vent but the aforementioned insecurities just bogging me down.

"This is just too hard. Its getting to be too tough to wait on nothing. I need to get away. FAST."

So I did. I took off and here I am. Back in Fremont. Wanting nothing to do w my life in LA. I am seeking rest. And the peace that comes after having emptied my heart of all the fears and anxieties that have built up inside of me.

Man, this breakdown really blindsided me. I hope the breakthrough will equally sweep me off my feet.

O LORD, I need your friendship. I need you to be my confidante.