GOD. YOUR WILL BE DONE. IT IS DONE.
The somewhat superstitious, ashamed to be not ashamed side of me is cautious about revealing that my capacity for faith has definitely deepened. Somewhere down the vision trip, I received the gift of faith. In recognizing that again, my circumstances does not define my self-worth or purpose, and that God's will is perpetual and everlasting. My place in it, therefore, is divine by nature, not because I have earned any of it myself by my performance, but because I am HIS and belong to that incredible plan just by His having planned my existence.
That being said, it's a daily struggle. I finally feel like I'm settled back in LA. Usually the year feels like it's truly begun after my birthday... well, after 6 months worth of being in and out of LA, travelling globally and locally, I find myself really now, digging my heels into life as an unemployed aspiring actor (once again, and no, it's not funemployment). The main difference between now and say 2009-2011, is that my hopes and goals for this year are bigger than they were when I was a broke-ass previously. I suppose I can attribute it to a slow but sure advancement of my career, or to the natural progression of age and maturity. But really, again, I attribute it to a greater expectation that I have upon the Lord.
Even as I type this, I am not colored in any way by false hope or genuine pride. I feel as matter of fact, black and white, as the type on this blog... I sincerely believe that no matter how little I have in terms of finance or momentum, that God is truly on my side and that in his perfect timing, all things will happen. That includes...
my career - my hope being that I will be on a tv show this year
my relationship with the Ku - my hope being that I don't implode and explode at him randomly just because I am scared of committing.. that is any more than a normal person would at their significant other
the crazy dynamics of my family - my hope being that we can one day love each other and communicate better than last year
my personal ministry at Southland LA - my hope being that all of me, dead to self, would be used to glorify Christ alone, whether it be through leading cell or praise or discipling others.
That being said, dying to myself is again, a daily challenge. I have to remind myself that all of my insecurities, selfish desires and egotistical control issues have been crucified to the cross. I have to remind myself that indeed, I am lovable, no matter how hard I fail at times, beautiful to the Lord most High. I have to remind myself that in the end, when all else fails, the Lord will pick up my broken pieces and redeem me again to a seat next to Him.
So, Lord, pull me a little closer. Take me a little deeper. I wanna know your heart. I wanna know your HEART. 'Cause your love is so much sweeter, than anything that I've tasted. I wanna know YOUR heart. I wanna know your. heart.
In all things, God, your will be done. be glorified.
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