예감.

she called my name several times.

"유정아!"

the first couple of times i ignored her. i was busy getting ready to head out to the bart. plus my mom was giving a piano lesson and i could get away with pretending to not hear her. the next couple of times i heard her call my Dad.

"목사님!"

he of course, didn't hear/respond. she called me again.

"유정아!"

impatiently, I yell back.

"아 할머니! 저 지금 시간 없어서 안 먹는다니까요!"

"아 글쎄 내려와봐!!!"

"할머니!!!"

"빨리! 할머니 넘어졌단말이야!"

my heart stops just as the piano student that had been stumbling over his scales stops. i freeze for a solid moment that my mom yells at me to come down immediately. i dash down the stairs. i look at my grandmother lying on her side, seemingly paralyzed. i run over.


"다리를 못 움직이겠어....다리..."

i look at her legs... she is gripping her right thigh... saying she feels her bone moving. through the fabric of her slacks i see that it is already severely swollen. i ask her if it hurts to stretch out her leg and gently exemplify the movement. she yells out in pain.

time to call 911.

my mom is in tears. my dad is stunned. i play interpretor to the ambulance guys who are simultaneously working on putting in an iv, a heart moniter, some morphine, a temporary cast, and putting her into the vehicle that i'd seen glamourized in Grey's Anatomy.

who would have thought that riding shot gun in an ambulance would have been one of shittiest rides ever?

and then the ER. the snores of the anesthetized patient next door... the frigid indoor temperatures... the irregular rhythm created by the beeping heart moniters... the wait... an hour between each insignificant development.

7 hours at the hospital... and the only thing that happened was that there was an x-ray which showed multiple fractures along the fermor and that we moved from the ER into a room. the orthopedic doctor that was supposed to come check up on her never came.
***


i know it's that time of our lives when our grandparents... just sorta take leave... that is if we're lucky enough to still have them in our lives. several of my friends have already said their goodbyes... so... i feel like... "ok don't pull out the stops for it... it's bound to happen..." like it's not that big of a deal... cuz everyone goes through it... right?

maybe that's the point... it's not about death... that's not the significant part...it's the send-off part... the final moments, words... making sure you won't regret a thing... making sure it's not something you're going to mull about over and over again while waiting for the damn doctor to show up in the ER. because no amount of interpreting or staying with her in the ER is going to change those last couple of words or minutes.

my 83 year old grandmother. she had been preparing her specialty, chicken jook, for me. she knew i was gonna head out soon. she wanted me to eat it while it was hot. she placed the full dishes of jook on the dining table. she turned around, rushed, lost her balance, and fell. and she cried out for help.

"you worthless piece of shit. you should have gone down the first time she called you."


it's a broken leg. a surgery. what a way to learn a lesson.