a candid review...

about my recent funk. GOD, it sounds like i always effin WHINE on my blogs... especially these days... but i don't know.... i feel like it's a lot easier to blog about it than talking to someone about it.... so... whatever.

i'm definitely in a weird little spot. i feel.... so unfulfilled in so many ways... and while this is probably due to a lack of any particularly extraordinary events and an overdose of monotonous routine... i still don't understand why it hits me out of the blue and with such force.

when i go through these dips and bumps, the mirrors of self-doubt and insecurity start to close in. my thoughts find themselves trapped within a maze of self-created, unjustified phobia. it's stupid. pathetic. and unfair to those who get involved unbeknownst to their knowledge... i feel sorry for myself, i compare myself to others, i think of past events/hurts that i'd forgotten about, i wonder why nobody seems to care, i feel all alone... ... and all at once, i am apologetic, scared, lonely, angry, frustrated, regretful, overwhelmed... all at the same fuckin time.

and when i snap out of it, i laugh at the lameness of it all. and i think, geebus, thank GOD no one else is me.

and since i promised to be candid... let me reveal to you the length of my self-induced pathos...

in no order to importance: 사소한것들도 몽땅 다! 나의 소심한 면 이번참에 확~ 내버린다!

I. I miss Boston. but Boston doesn't me. yeah. i've said it. and a part of me will regret having opened up about this at all... but i don't know if it's just me... or maybe it's the people i know... but it seems that my life in Boston has been...well... forgotten. obviously everyone moves on... things change, ESPECIALLY in a transient city such as Boston... however, i rarely get a hello/how are you/how haveyou been/ how are things... from, well even some of the closest friends i had there... to be fair, i'm not the best at keeping in touch... and i'm not asking for a spa treatment here... but there have been times where people have visited cali and not even thought to call me... and that only means one thing. they forgot. so be it~ i can't change that or expect anything more... but it still stinks... i guess it would just feel really nice to have people call me up for a change, just to say hi, i miss you, it's been awhile. maybe to get a reply now and then with something more than "i'm fine! nice profile picture!" sometimes, the littlelest of all me's whispers into my ear, "they don't miss you at all. life is better w/out you." and that, even if a little bit true, would devastate me. i would confront, except i'm afraid to find out the truth is all. OH and one more thing... what do you do when you try a thousand times to talk to a friend who's unwilling to respond? do you just try again? do you sit and wait? or do you forget.

2. surrounded by lame ass excuse for men. to be absolutely honest, i've been getting hit on a lot more in cali than in boston. maybe it's the gym regiment. maybe it's because guys here are so effin desperate. in boston, there was barely anyone. here, it's almost everyone. and let me tell you, whats worse than having no one, is being surrounded by everyone that might as well be no one. as flattering as it can get to have a guy compliment you and hit on you.... it can't be too hopeful when all the guys are just the ones you want to avoid... or they claim to be one thing, but turn out to be hte other... when you've got trust issues, and you're surrounded by a gazillion guys that you can't trust... ew. i'm tired of it all. and i'm going to play wingwoman for izzy until i move. the end. (talk to me tomorrow, this might change)

3. need a vacation. i've been on one. but i need to go on a freakin holiday man. i'm dreaming of my days in Australia... i'm trying to relive my days from Russia... i still can't believe I went to Ireland... and I recently reminisced about China with some orchestra alumns. everyone around me seems to be coming back or flying to some exotic place... all with their freakin slrs...and i'm SO SICK of just seeing their pictures on the facebook. I WANT TO TRAVEL. but i CAN'T because I just can't afford any damn thing anymore. it's SO frustrating too because my parents just can't see that i'm being stifled to death... the part of me that wants to experience the rich mingling of cultures and travel... they just see me as bumming around, wasting away time, wondering what the hell i have planned with my life. the thing is, i'm tired of that me too...i'm tired of being the girl living at home with abstract plans... the girl with grand old dreams but nothing to show for it except a huge debt and some acting credits. teh girl constantly doubting herself because others are moving there and already making it.... wondering if she made hte right decision moving back home, wondering if she's making the right decision staying an extra month, wondering if she should even bother at all, wondering what exactly gives her the right to think that she can ACTUALLY be successful with her looks, her talent, or lack of both. i HATE doubting myself. but t hese days, that's all i do, because there's nothing else here besides the "image" of me, cemented by the mixture of hope and doubt surrounding me. i want to get out. even for just a week. JUST to feel ALIVE and separate myself from the mold that been built by my circumstances of the past year.

*sigh. so why not just leave?

4. $$$. i'm lacking. end of story. but believe me, if this funk continues, i might just screw it and take off anyway.

5. end of september. i just am going ot focus on me. as selfish as that sounds... but this is it... it's always hardest for me at the end of the stretch... but it's all gonna be about my needs... and what i want... and what i need.... all of the above, i'm going to keep in mind as DISTRACTIONS. distractions to take away from my real goals... two more months is all i have left... and that's plenty of time to continue running towards my dreams. forget those who have forgotten you, forget those who don't respond, forget those who assume too much about you, forget those who don't give you enough credit. this journey, YOU are going to take, Jan. this dream, YOU will achieve... and in the end, it's YOUR life.

me me me and no God? yeah exactly. it's something i haven't dealt with all year long. and to be absolutely honest... i just don't feel like it...

the end. assume, gossip, condone, or condemn.