it's amazing...

how conflicting your heart can be sometimes. Whatever it is that makes us feel all these emotions...

i'm always amazed, sometimes shocked, sometimes disgusted, sometimes pleasantly surprised at the capacity for every single nerve in my body to just... FEEL.

a part of me hates this about myself. the part of me that resents that I can go from feeling jubilant to utterly desolate. little triggers, like a smile, a phone call, a song with an bpm over 180, a bite out of my favorite dish... can send me over the edge towards utopia... and then a single unspoken word, an instrumental OST, a car cutting me off... can send me towards the unbalanced beam of depression.

and while some may call that bi-polar depression, (insert inappropriate joke here), I'm still thankful that I'm at the mercy of these "feelings." because it really just means I'm brave enough to wear that occasionally alcohol plastered, occasionally nicotene exposed, occasionally endorphin pumped, occasionally emotion puked heart of mine on my sleeve.

it convinces me that even in times of loneliness, I'll experience times of love and bliss. it convinces me that in times of discouragement and despair, I'll take off on flights of hope and fantasy. it convinces me that when i'm starved for something more than the material, i'll do something about it and overcome it even if it kills me.

plus, it proves that i'll be a damn good actress.

the one feeling that has eluded me thus far... love. as cheesy and corny as it sounds, I'm aching to fall in love. I want to know and experience heartbreak. that beyond the school girl crush, that beyond one of receiving flowers and chocolate and a tiffany's necklace. that beyond one of betrayal by a friend and ex boyfriend.

something that will make me burst into song and dance in the rain. i want to experience THAT kind of love.

almost 24 and never been in love.

gee, it's about time don't you think?
maybe by christmas if I'm a very good girl.

er... or maybe not. :)

happy labor day everyone!