are you happy?

when allen first asked us that... I think it was to Jenn and me in the car (when the whole Wulnam thing came about), I thought it was a ludicrous, all umbrella of a question that couldn't really be answered.

I've changed my mind. I consider it the MOST important question that needs to be answered...

are you happy? happy in all definitions of the word? or certain ones more than others? why?

or why not?

***

I just spent an entire day in solitude, absorbing happiness from a 6 day weekend. Since Friday on, I've been bombarded with family and friends, friends and family, and FOOD. I went to the 2nd happiest place on earth = disneyland (I'm assuming Disneyworld is the 1st), ate all of my favorite foods in ktown, and met up with my closest friends, including mama Lim. I went through some major homeshopping retail therapy (MY NEW VACUUM LOOKS LIKE WALLE WITH A GROWTH SPURT!) ~ and more than anything else, I was constantly thriving off of the energy derived from the mutual attraction and appreciation of my relationships.

My bookclub and I talked about happiness/loneliness a lot this "weekend." how it goes hand in hand... sometimes, how we could be extremely grateful about one aspect of our lives, while forgetting about how depressed we are about another... about what we wanted, physically, emotionally, spiritually... we talked about our lives over food and soju, wines and crackers... feeling sorry for eachother, triumphant for one another, astounded and indignant for our injustices, and accepting and forgiving of our obnoxious faults.

how else could we have survived 13 hours at Disneyland without killing one another? (i know how! It's a small world!)

Mama Lim and I have a love hate bff thing going on. If i've mentioned it once, I've mentioned it a million times. we have a paradoxical relationship.... funny, she asked if I would cry at her funeral... as if she even needed to ask... or did she? Do I not show it enough? Does she even know that I love her? Or is it hidden behind my layers of complaining and whining? She was helping me settle into my first REAL REAL room after moving out... (college dorms don't count, summer sublets don't count, living rooms don't count!) and I wonder how she was feeling... When we were shopping for irons and vaccuums, she claimed that I was "officially ready for marriage, seeing how I were interested in actually buying rice cookers." I found myself taking in side views of her as she was getting her hair done at the salon, thinking, wow... she is starting to look a tad bit older than the mother that drove me to San Francisco every weekend for violin lessons. Would other moms be as involved in their dauther's lives? a blessing or a curse of a thing it is; for better or for worse, my mom is both my achilles heel, and the wings beneath my feet.

The happiness thing... I'm overwhelmed by it. So much that I feel melancholy now that they have gone, and I'm finally gone to absorb things. Of course, it is only natural to feel bittersweet... that is, besides the fact that I'll see everyone in another 3 days (pahaha)~ but this Christmas season... I feel the grace of God in even those around me. I am utterly unworthy to be surrounded by such good people... To have been provided a place of rest for an entire year, to regroup, to pull myself and my aspirations together... to have been provided with a close knit social circle in this new lpace to protect myself from the familiar tempting tugs of loneliness... to have an apartment of my own to host my best friends and family members who come to visit... and of course, to be aware, if at a complete loss for reciprocal action, of just how lucky I am.

One week till Christmas... tis the season to be HAPPY!

pssst* if you can memorize the whole 12 days of Christmas song, I'll give you a cookie! :)