A release...

it all had to come crashing down sometime.

a year of unexpected contentedness and blessings... no financial or emotional risks... surrounded by family and friends... and a familiar setting filled with familiar journeys to take.

When I moved down here, I was brimming over with dreams of achieving dreams... totally naive, completely hopeful, and utterly complacent in my "hard-earned" A on the scale of A-F level of Happiness.

I figured I'd find a job in a month or two, tops.... that I'd find a great church to serve at, surrounded by a wonderful community... well within reach of finding an agent... alllll topped with another 10% decrease in body fat.

... January Lim can be quite the simpleton sometimes.

Black and white, the situation is as follows:

4 months, no job. I think I've applied to at least 100 jobs, of all sorts, INCLUDING one job requesting to find a quartet violinist for a year-long cruise around the world ... and 15 different Starbucks locations.

4 months, and 3 years worth of drama. yes, boys were involved. yes, girls were involved. NO, NO BOYS OVER FLOWERS.

4 months, no agent. in fact, no headshots, because no $. no $ because of no job.

4 months, GRAVE DANGER of having to move back home = UTTER WASTE.

and so, from a red letter 2008 grade "A," plunged down my happiness to a big FAT "F" in 2009...where today, I celebrated with a long awaited, long "deserved," emotional breakdown.

Now, I'm not asking for sympathy... although sure, some would be nice...this is not a public annoucement for "attention" or "donations" (though again, both would be nice...), seeing as if this blog is frequented by, well, say 4 readers. You see, all of the above is just preface and a review (I did rant and rave in a previous blog...quite rabidly so...) of what I've gone through and the justifications of myself sounding like a warthog in the tiny confines of my car, Sunday evening.

What started off, however, as a resentful, bitter, disillusioned sobfest, evolved into one of raw, honest, confession of pain... and call it a revelation or even, an enlightement... but as warthog sounds were wracking out of me, I received a text message from a friend... and BOOM, like a lightning bolt, I knew....FELT...that GOD LOVED ME.

and it was as if my Mom or my Dad was enveloping me into a warm embrace, telling me to let it all out... to release and let go... to cry and slobber all over their new, silk shirt.... stroking my hair, patting my back... assuring me that it was going to be ok. that I was going to be taken care of. that this pain, this fear, was all temporary and that it was going to get better.

God LOVES me.

Of course, when that realization hit, I cried even more. No longer inhibited by thoughts of "I have to be strong..." "I have to hold it in..." "Tears?! PAH! I'M NOT A GIRLY GIRL!" ... I let loose everything that had been building up... all the hurt, disappointment, anger, fear, and anxiety... I let it rush out of me as if this was the end...

and in the end... I felt BETTER. not neccessarily happier. but SETTLED. Comforted.

Things are incredible the way they work out. For the past couple of years, I'd been searching for a genuine relationship with God. One that didn't hinder on 24 years of cliche Christian definitions... one that went beyond the obligatory habits and commitments. I had been wondering what God's GRACE meant in real life... what it meant to LOVE GOD. To be loved by Him... Over 2 years, I had been praying and pondering, wondering if I even believed in God anymore... if the words coming out of my mouth were even sincere, or if it was all just an act.

In the 4 months, the LORD has broken down every fallible aspect of my life... I have NO CONTROL over anything...not even my own actions. I am weak beyond weak. I have no self- discpline, and I am susceptible to all kinds of pain caused by wandering tongues. He's shown me that even the closest friends won't be enough... that sometimes even FAMILY won't understand... and CERTAINLY that MONEY can't buy happiness, especially nowadays.

The Lord's shown me that without him, I'm nothing. I'd always "known" that before... but GOOD GOD, he's literally shown me that by breaking it all down.

AND YET, he still is there for me. HE is CONSTANT. He is NEVERCHANGING. and He knows what is BEST for me, because HE KNOWS ME. and KNOWING ME...knowing how selfish, immature, blindsighted, and impatient I am... he STILL LOVES ME. He, unlike all other guys I've dated, is unafraid to show me how much he does... whether it is through the random text messages that I get from random people... or that job interview that comes in as one of my SAT classes get cancelled... He comes through again and again. FOR ME. In ways, only I would know. THAT, is GRACE.

and I am CONVICTED, that no matter what happens... I'm part of the ALL-KNOWING MASTER PLAN. I am. and THAT, is FAITH. a Divatical one. mauahaha.

well, now I know... 2009 is not a year of "F's." 2009 = a year of redefinition. The year of my first great love affair.

The year, where I give up dependance on anything else BUT the LORD.

I've blogged about my spiritual life before, but this one's a bit different. This isn't just a blog, it is a declaration:

I LOVE YOU GOD. I'm still learning how to show YOU as well as You show me... but little by little... I'll get better. I promise.

call it cheesy, but afterall, it IS still Valentine's Day weekend!