the way my room is set up...

I am totally allowed to lie down in bed, windows open, and watch an old school musical with the cozy sunlit breeze drafting in through my window.

There are no better or peaceful moments such as these idle ones... sometimes I automatically waft into slumber... other times, I am engaged in a reverie of thoughts that are free to consume me as they wish in whichever order.

As much as I love to enjoy these lazy afternoons, sometimes I do wonder if I should step outside more, drink in the sun where it reigns: nature.

It's been awhile since I've done anything exciting outside of the city... i've been meaning to take hikes or go horseback riding or do ANYTHING for a long time.... in the end, I find myself confined, willingly, within the comforting corners of my bed.

Such is the trap (?) of living within a city. I get so caught up in living up the night life in ktown... of watching the different arrays and artful patterns of bumper to bumper cars... of trying to discover the most fantastic balance of frosting and cake at different cupcake stores... of witnessing the most famous person to enter into Shin bbq without becoming too starstruck... to really marvel at what is outside there, beyond the polluted, convoluted maze of the urban scrawl.

I think back to the time where I sailed through the islands in the southern hemisphere. where all i could see was the horizon while our boat tilted at a precarious 45 degree angle... I remember the velvety smooth texture of the grains of pure, white sand that I lay in while basking in the unforgiving UV rays... I relive the moments of terror that struck me as I learned how to breathe through my mouth, right before plunging deep within the oceans and meeting nemos and dorys in real life... I remember staring up at the black black sky, punctuated with piercings of silver and white, and being absolutely convicted that God existed. that all this beauty was preplanted, predestined from the start. appreciating. marveling. glorifying.

and I wonder... was that me? Did I actually experience those things? was there a part of my life that was as brave, as willing to leave such familiar territories to trade with such foreign ones? Where did that girl go? Will she ever come back?

Or is she too consumed with the pursuit of fame and glory to ever return, at least for a long while?

Would I rather be that elusive one? or the one today, trying to struggle through day by day?

I am unsure. There are still so many things in life that I seem to want. to want to be. everyday, I question if I am throwing away one minute for something less than I could be BEING.

and I suppose, then, the answer again lies in ... faith. in God. I have to believe. I have to know that my everyday life is going somewhere beyond this blog, my fickle nature... I couldn't live my life without that conviction. without that trust that no matter how i feel today, tomorrow will be tomorrow because of the decisions I am currently making.

someone asked me the other day... "How do you know God exist?"

I am finding out that I just HAVE to know. I HAVE to believe... without God... I wouldn't be able to tell between an apple or an orange... between future or present... man or woman... nothing. Without faith, my life would seem meaningless, a handful of starts with no finish. I HAVE to believe to EXIST. To CONTINUE to fight. To BREATHE without choking myself. God is everywhere I am. He is everything I am. It is the only wya I can deal with everything that goes on inside my dysfunctional head, everyday. I endure, because He endures.

I know God exists. because I exist. it's as simple as that.

***

I am thinking about a trip to Korea soon. That girl from the land of OZ can finally rejoice!