planning

has never really been my forte. Even when I've had an idea, it's more been a spur of the moment, split second decision. It's not what I believe is the best, efficient, wise way of living... but its' the most effective way I've lived the past 28 years (eeks). 

for about a year and a half i was living life as an unemployed zombie. really, no life, at the mercy of others' generosity, and constantly in a state of desperation. I was also free... i had tons of time to devote myself to the word... the little money i did have, i spared on a cup of coffee at Peets, where I spent hours journaling and contemplating the state of my so called life surrounded by hipster screen play writers/actors/directors. 

from there, I decided to work. work my butt off. after going on missions, i knew that life was going to be completely different. and I made a kick ass effort to make ensure that. I took on SAT/ACT teaching... i taught at different ends of Southern California... I took on a full-time internship at a production company knowing that I had hated full time as a full-timer... and eventually, decided to stay on, committing to the toxic tensions that rivaled that of "Devil Wears Prada" without the chick lit fantasy happy "realistic" ending. i tried to give up acting. I told God that I was ready to quit...just give me one word, give me one sign... and I was going to end it all. instead, I got booked on a commercial with one of my favorite contemporary comedians/actresses ( are you "green" with envy that your "friend" would hit it big?), cried in devastation when I found out my 2 seconds of fame was edited out... and then proceeded to get my SAG eligilibity by being upgraded as a principal that I shot as an extra...which basically never happens. i received residuals for a commercial i've never ever seen. I took classes. I made friends. I am continuing to make friends with actors. and now... i'm motivated more than ever... 

except the scary thing is...after my "evolution," the progress... i am looking "forward" to being unemployed all over again. i'm planning on being unemployed again to pursue a career that seems ever so nebulous. Sure, it seems more tangible now... but it's also daunting as ever. acting is a journey where after one uphill climb, a short downhill climb follows...and then you realized, oh crap, that previous hill was only training for an even steeper climp up... am i crazy? I'm planning ahead to basically have no plans. I am planning on saving to spend. I am planning on quitting a steady job for a life of uncertainty. ALL.OVER.AGAIN. am i crazy? i ask again am i absolutely crazy? 

i might be. i might really be. and yet, of all those passionate, dream achieving people... who wasn't?