all throughout my life... i've been comfortable in relationships with boys. that is, i always got along with them. this isn't going to be a self-appraising sort of blog, by the way, so don't be turned off immediately (or at least give half of this entry a chance, its interesting).
elementary school. i was always that girl playing 4 square with the boys and schooling them. I actually got picked top three for kickball teams. The boys hated girls at that time, but if they were to have a gf ("ewww!"), they always said my name. Again, not because I was pretty (far from it), but because i didn't scare them. I was one of them. that being said, I developed my first crush on a boy in 6th grade. for some reason, instead of pursuing him, i decided to play matchmaker between him and another girl. hmm. (note - that relationship lasted a week.)
middle school. the true ugly duckling phase. all of a sudden, i was too myself. it mattered that i didn't wear the trendy clothes or the bebe shirts. it mattered that i preferred baggy jeans to flares. it mattered that my bushy hair was tied back and i wore glasses over my unlined eyes. i was an active student, popular amongst the teachers because I was a fun pupil to have around (always opinionated, with a sarcastic remark, and yet, did my hw and got good grades. that's right, i was an awesome student) - won things like speech competitions, but was never popular amongst the cool crowd. you know, the kids who could actually hang out after school and bare to be the same as the person next to them. i thought boys were cute. in particular one that had the most beautiful eye lashes. but i didn't feel like i ever could be desired after. so i left that arena alone entirely. note, i still ROCKED sports.
high school. oh high school. where i was too myself still, but felt really comfortable in my skin. I was a rebel and yet, there were clubs, there electives that I was good at. and in those individual niches, i made my presence known. I was first chair in orchestra, i was a hot shot in drama, i did student government and wrote the homecoming skits. and I had a thing for blondes with blue eyes. :). My first boyfriend was a half chinese, half white boy. we went out for 2 weeks before I got tired of the whole dating thing. we briefly got back together and the same thing happen. I then dated a poet from drama class. the sweetest guy. the most incredible baby blue eyes. my awkward first kiss happened and the relationship was never again the same. The next notheworthy being a younger, popular wrestler who rocked my world every time he looked at me in his green t-shirt that brought out the emerald hues of his hazel eyes (omg, did i just type that?). He was the boy next door. And then, seniorities bit me and nothing besides the delicious potential of the future mattered. Afterwards came "interests" neither here nor there (insert cute acapella moments, long phone calls, awkward high school dances)... before all of a sudden, high school was over and I was headed across the country to Boston.
college. the first couple of weekends of freshman year were fraught with possibility. in a city filled with a gazillion elite colleges, how could you not view everyone around you as the potential "ONE?" So I met a boy. a nice boy. and i decided to break up with him. partially because i was afraid to commit so early on in my college career...also due to the strong encouragement of those "older" and "wiser" (how on earth did sophomores seems so much more older then freshmen?) to stay single and just grow up a little bit. which in hindsight, was a great idea. after graduating, i started dating. and i was really bad at it. so i decided to pursue my dreams and move back home.
young adult. you lose your college 20. you start exploring your hometown because you realize that post 21 life is way different than the local wendy's and mall you used to hangout at (albeit occasionally because let's face it, i never went out). so i became THAT girl. the one that went crazy post-college. my bff said it best when he said, "maneater." commitment? why? variety? yes! long-term? no. besides, my plan was to move to LA. ironically, i ended up in the more serious relationships that i'd been up to that point... not due to any of my efforts but the patience of his. Poor guy. (I'll always be grateful for his affections and willingness to put up with my hot mess). definitely not proud of my young adult years. not my shining moment. not at all.
LA, ch 1. A new city. a new meat market. a new me, pursuing my dreams. new friendships. new community. and it was time for that crazy maneater girl to fall flat on her face and learn the lesson of her life. i shot myself in the foot with my dumb decisions and came to know the depths of earned loneliness that I'd never experienced before (un-warranted loneliness is very different). it was time to seal off dating once again. this time, for real. until i was ready. until i could learn how to appreciate, above else, the ONE thing that truly identified me - GOD. There was no way I was going to open up to another messed up human being knowing how FLAWED and BROKEN I was currently. More than anything, one truth rang loud and clear: I didn't love myself. I didn't care about myself whatsoever. I cared how others viewed me. How men desired me. I cared how and why people loved me. But myself...me... i never valued me. even back in the 6th grade, it was never an option to offer myself to someone... it didn't occur to me to. Because, i would undoubtedly, face rejection. How could I possibly love someone then to good and fruitful circumstances? How could I expect a healthy relationship to burgeon out of such poisonous grounds? I needed to purge and rebuild my identity. So I did. for 2 years. Insert crushes/infatuations/likes here and there. Insert me not giving in and staying strong. Because I don't need to give in to my own fears of being alone or being single. If someone cares for me, I can wait for them to approach me. Because, for the first time of my life, i TRULY believe that I am beautiful. and I am desirable daughter of the Lord. One of my shining moments by far.
LA, chapter 2. and then came a boy. the boy that is far from perfect. the boy who makes her wonder why boys need to exist? but here is the boy, who cares for her, the way she is, with her history of boys. and a boy who puts up her fear to commit ever. the relationship is difficult. it is filled with angst and tears. there are too many fights to count, and yet every time, they make up. why? what's different? after years of running away from relationships, why am I not for the first time moving onto the next? What allows me to try?
In a way, I don't have the answers. To say it's because of him would be an oversimplistic, overromanticized untruth. To say it's because of me would be a bombastic, egotistical lie. To say that it's because of God would be ideal, and yet, too general to really sufficiently be enough. So I'll leave it that the fact that I'm willing to find out the answers, to get to the bottom of what has changed in me, changed in the boy, due to God -- that in itself, is reason enough for me to stay in this and work at being in a relationship with another human being, equally flawed as myself.
So LA, chapter 3... the future... yes, I am 28. yuck. I am still wondering where my life and career is going. There are so many people out there in my world that I find to be worth investing in - I don't know if and when I'll get married... but the thing is, I honestly DON'T CARE. I just feel blessed to be where I am. It sucks sometimes, it hurts a lot - growing pains normally do. I feel uncomfortable frequently -- but what joy I feel afterwards, knowing that there is evidence that I can love on others deeper and truer than before! In the end, i just look to GOD. "LORD, I will never ever love anyone as much as I love you. There is no one that will love me as much as you do me. How glorious that your love and our relationship is PERFECT and GLORIOUS. How amazing that despite my lacks and my flaws, your love is truly unconditional! Even if this earthly relationship is going at the maximum rate, the best place it could be, YOU+ME is EVEN BETTER." there is no other in my life that makes my heart run, that captures my tears, that comforts and soothes my broken heart. My stakes are on HIM, the LOVE OF MY LIFE. all the other boys out there? just fillers. :)
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