my facial expressions? the number of times i reach out to people? the reasons why I do anything at anytime at any place?
sometimes I feel like that's what everyone's expecting. i have to submit... i have to obey... and yet, others demand a legitimate reason for me to freely express. I have to hold back to a point that I am not myself... the real me, i've kept hidden, in a chest, somewhere way deep in a corner. And out front, I'm compliant, robotic almost.
Detachment. It's what I do for self-defense.
Which explains why, at this point, I feel like I'm floating through... my work, my career... it doesn't matter as much. there was nothing too tangible there to begin with anyways. My family, i care too deeply about... i wish i didn't. the only thing stable and that I cling is to LA church... and yet even there, the danger of using church as an escape, and being defined by the things i do vs my spiritual connecting with God...
P. Keith said that that's why it's so hard.. because to live a holy life, there is always a tension... it's never one way or another, but a balance.
As much as I dreaded being unemployed, I miss the days when all I had was God. There was seemingly less to concern myself with... to be anxious about. Less to juggle. Less people to again, be accountable to.
Why do I feel like I'm whining?
I'm not. I'm just expressing.
reminder to self: stop stifling me.
No comments:
Post a Comment