not impossible

is the way I'm starting to view some things. most things.

Taking EG really has gotten me thinking about the year I went on missions. that was the crux of my unemployment days... really intense, totally broke, completely dependent on God singularly mode. Those were the days where at the end of every month, I wondered where the rent would come from... the random checks that came in were miracles... peets was my home away from home... the barnes & nobles at the grove was my "library" and where my journaling THRIVED. As I prepared my heart and emotions for my short term trip to BEY DDAH (for security reasons) - I remember days of being humbled and yet joyful in the constant presence of my best friend and Lord.

and I knew, even before I took a step onto that plane, that after missions, my life would completely change.

and it has. from head to toe.

including, unfortunately, the conditions of my heart. thankfully, one of my more positive traits include being self-aware. and the second i felt the stirrings of discontent with my self, my life... I  knew I had to make a change. So I gave myself a timeline... some time to save, some time to pray, some time to think about the things that I'd need to readjust. End of June, I said. Now, it's mid-July. That's when I'll choose to go back to being an "unemployed" starving artist, striving to stay stable without any stability, minus the passing days, to truly hang on to.

So, now I find myself nearing this self-imposed deadline, coming to another juxtaposition. Yes, I am tired of this living as a personal assistant drone. Yes, I am tired of not being able to have the flexibility to really push and invest in my creative ventures. Yes, I am tired of "leaking" the holy spirit throughout the day in these emotional days where sometimes I just feel like no one truly cares about me.

but the question is... do i have what it takes to pursue and push and DRIVE without the structural implementation in my life? will I actually take advantage of my time and make it COUNT? Will it be worth it to give up the stability and the "comfort" of the biweekly paycheck?

it's definitely scary. and i'm not sure if I trust myself.


...

but i'm still going to do it. :)