recently...

it's hard to believe that since the last time i blogged... so much has happened. it is so true that every year seems to fly by faster and faster... not because time itself gets more rapid, but because so much more clutter fills the spaces that I helplessly try to contain and organize. 

which is a cluttered way of saying, i'm getting old. 

since the last time, i booked a mcdonald's commercial which actually aired (hallelujah!) and i resigned from my post at Station Film. as much as I was excited about actually being seen on tv (to be honest, it was more embarrassing than exciting), it wasn't really about the commercial or the glow I had from being newly funemployed that overwhelmed me - 

it was the feeling of... self-approval. Not to be mixed up with pride or self-centeredness. this was just the first time in my life, where I actually wanted to genuinely tell myself: 

"good job jan. you hung in there. you pulled through. you finished strong. you've earned it."

of course, i'll be the first to admit, it was a miracle that I booked this commercial. God's gift to me. All glory belongs to God, forever and forever, but for the first time in a really long while, I could actually stop beating myself for a second for not being perfect or not trying hard enough, and just enjoy God's blessings in full. To really thank him. To feel fulfilled.

For that reason alone, all the congratulations, the hoopla by my parents, the facebook heralds, it mattered, but didn't. I found myself, the day that the commercial aired, in a bathroom stall, tears running down my face, laughing silently at the same time. "Lord, we did it! you and I, what a team."

full circle, i tell you. that's how God floors me every time. no loose end, EVER. i love these connect the dot moments, where I can literally see the story of my life enfolding in front of me -- where really, there are NO coincidences with the big stuff, and the little stuff just help with the drama of it all. 

the following week, I was able to go to the east coast for the first time in 6 years. Little has changed in the grand metropolis that is New York, and the quaint town that is Boston. Still, barely anyone that I befriended remains in that area. Yet, God brought me NEW family, and new friends to fill up any void or memory pangs I would feel... I felt incredibly blessed knowing that no matter where I went, how new or how alien I'd be, God would still surround me with his guardianship - brothers and sisters who could pray over me, who could praise and worship with me. leaders to guide me, mentor me... the Spirit which would overwhelm me and allow me to rejoice with all of me. 

and now I am back home. now it's... ground zero of the next chapter of my life. I feel a bit anxious... afraid to fall back into old lazy habits... still reveling in the haze of this past months activities... but i learn over and over again, just TRUST in the Lord, take a DEEP breath, and DIVE into his glorious ocean - filled with beautiful, breath-taking life, ABUNDANT and REFRESHING!